5 Doors: December

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine/gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

This has been an amazing year of creation. I could not have done it without your support. Thank you for your donations, purchases of music/art and encouragement. As a token of my gratitude, I offer you the gift of music. You can download a free copy of the song, “The Field + The Knower” within the music door below. Much Love, JD

THE FIELD AND THE KNOWER- oil on canvas 48"x 60" (121.92 x 152.4cm) $2700 US + shipping (c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned artwork.

This month Writer and Poet Rohini Walker (rohiniwalker.com) and JD discuss his short film “The Field and the Knower." It is highly recommended that you watch the film prior to experiencing the interview. Comments and questions are always welcome—see bottom of page for comment section or contact the artist.

Rohini Walker in conversation with JD Rudometkin, below:

Wanting to collaborate on a short film or music video idea? Drop us a line here.

ON THAT DAY

In the open field
where the Great Beauty dwells
we shall forget who we are:

Sister
Child
Father
Investor 
Slave

For on that day, the only question she will asks us is this:

“How much did you love?”

All the things we accumulate:

Land
Livestock
Dreams
Skill
Lovers

shall fade in the twilight of a golden age. 

For
at

the end
—as in the beginning—
we shall stand with the Great Beauty
on the edge of that open field,
staring into the
grand abyss

realizing

we
were
always

l
o
v
e
d

.

(c) JD RUDOMETKIN 2021

A HOLIDAY GIFT FOR YOU. Listen to and download the new track from Step Jayne, “The Field and the Knower” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Written and Produced by JD Rudometkin

Mixed and Mastered by JD Rudometkin at Hip-Bone Studios

Vocals: JD Rudometkin

Words are from chapter 2 of The Bhagavad Gita

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

Read a SINGLE PASSAGE OF WISDOM LITERATURE
EVERY DAY THIS MONTH

Words are powerful. In this final month of 2021, let us prepare our minds for the year ahead with words of wisdom. We invite you to read the following words each day (above). They are taken from chapter 2 of the Bhagavad Gita. If you prefer an audio version of this passage, you can download the free track “The Field + The Knower” within this month’s door for music. Alternatively, if you have a passage you prefer to read—please do so.

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows us to continue sharing this work with you.

---

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5 Doors: November

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine/gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

The Impossible Seduction- oil on canvas 24 x 30" (60.96 x 76.2cm) $800 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned work.

This month Matt Hals hosts Dream Cinema and interviews JD about his short film “The Impossible Seduction." It is highly recommended that you watch the film prior to experiencing the interview. Comments and questions are always welcome—see bottom of page for comment section or contact the artist.

Host Matthew P. Hals interviews JD Rudometkin, below:

Wanting to collaborate on a short film or music video idea? Drop us a line here.

THE CONTROL ROOM

Here you are in this cold room again. And it’s hard to breath. There are worn and cracked leather straps wrapped tight around your wrists. As you sit here in this wooden chair, a shaft of light falls across a leather gag pulled tight around your throat and mouth—and it’s just the way you like it: Predictable. 

You are in the control room. And you are the controller. And it’s been that way for a long long time. But it’s getting colder in here now. And my fingers are getting numb. And you think, “My god, is there a way for me to call your name with this gag in my mouth?”

Yes. I heard you. And I see you there upon your solitary throne wanting to dom god. Seducing the seducer.

May I make an observation?

Yes.

Your need for control is killing you. And it’s killing all of those around you too. And if you keep trying to control everything, one day you will be all alone is a small concrete room, with your hands tied and a gag inside your mouth.

Is this what you want?

No.

No, of course not. You want to be free. You want to be able to love and be loved. We all know this. But the illusion of control is so enticing because it feels like it works. I know you have been wounded. And because you’re not stupid, you’re not going to let that happen again. So you seek to control everything and everyone around you so that you will feel safe. And because you are a very smart person, you have outwitted yourself. Perhaps you do not yet realize that you are the one who has tied you up. But when everything in your room gets quiet, you know the truth: “I am alone in this cold room, with straps around my wrist. And a gag in my mouth.”

Yes. And do you want to be free my brother? My sister, are you tired of fooling yourself?

I’ve seen you weeping there—tied up in knots, year after year. And you’re weary of it all now. And it’s getting harder to hold on so tightly. And you know it’s time to face the truth.

So let me sit here with you. I am your witness. All you have to do is let go. Just wink at me, and I will loosen the rope around your wrists. Your hands will fall free and rest by your sides. And then slowly, over time, you will gain strength and courage. And then one day, you will pull the gag from your mouth. And you will speak only what is true. The seduction is already beginning to lose its power. And now you are leaving the cold room of self-deception. You have found a way to love. And to be loved, again.

  (c) JD Rudometkin 2021

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “An Impossible Seduction” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Written and Produced by JD Rudometkin

Mixed and Mastered by JD Rudometkin at Hip-Bone Studios

NOTE: This song began as a composition for "A Midsummer Night's Dream" — performed at Falcon's Eye Theater under the Direction of David Harris, with Ian Wallace as Set Designer. The composition was retooled by JD Rudometkin (who was Musical Director for the play) and became a Step Jayne single.

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

SEX TRANSMUTATION

Love dogs can gnaw through hardwood when the bitch is in heat. Sex drive is undeniable—the most powerful, creative force on the planet. It has so much potential. How do you use the potential energy of sex? Do you fantasize? Do you use it as a drug? Maybe you are using it to make love = nice! But now, consider this: Is it possible to transmute this force into our creative work?

Yes.

This month we will transmute sex energy into our creative project. Whatever you are working on (business, art, relationship) use the force of sex to gnaw through the barriers. Here’s what we will do:

1. Every time a sexual desire or fantasy enters your body or mind, channel it into your creative project. Fantasize about how it will succeed. Be as detailed as you can. You can do this for 5 minutes or 5 seconds: Simply direct sex energy into your project.

2. Imagine your work going out into the world. Not just for your good, but for the good of all who need it. This is crucial. We are a global village. What we do for ourselves, we do for every living being.

Remember, if you are having a difficult time changing your habits, be gentle with yourself. Take time to gather your strength. Then try again. Its OK if you to have to start over. Just start over.

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows us to continue sharing this work with you.

---

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Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.

5 Doors: October

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine/gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

The Believer- oil on canvas 12 x 24" (30.48 x 60.96cm) $700 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned work.

MUSIC VIDEO PREMIERE!

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying music video. “Believer” is the 10th and final track from the album. This release is the premiere of both the song and the music video. Now that this album is complete, it is recommended that you watch each track’s music video in succession. A list of tracks from SILVER BULLET SUICIDE can be found within the music portion of this website. Enjoy the pilgrimage (comments and questions are always welcome—see bottom of page for comment section or contact the artist). Wanting to collaborate on a music video idea? Drop us a line here.

THE MIRACLE OF AN UNFXCKED WORLD

Can we start by saying society is fxcked? I read your posts and hear the rants and it seems clear that you believe — society is fxcked. And what is society? Them. Me. You. Us? Yes. So, we are fxcked. Collectively. And yet, we always blame others for society’s ills. And that’s because nobody likes to clean up their own mess. It’s easier to pass the buck. But this is the most immature thing you can do. So, maybe what we really need to do is quietly grow up.

One day there will be a new earth. We all believe that, otherwise we would not say “society is fxcked.” The truth that lies hidden in the phrase “society is fxcked” is the knowledge that one day there will be something beautiful. Some people call it heaven. Others call it utter darkness. And some long for a grand utopia. But here’s the truth: Every time you clean up your own life, you create a new earth. And that’s a beautiful thing.

Let me ask you this: What do you believe in? Perhaps you are able to answer this question with lovely words. And words do count. But your actions are what most clearly speak the truth about what you believe. Line up all the “liberals” and all the “conservatives” and break down all of their actions on a given day. Hour by hour. How different are we really? What did you do today that is so different than what they did?

Mostly, all of us value similar things. The fact that the Oscars exist says a lot about a society. And the fact that professional basketball players and rock stars make exorbitant amounts of money says a lot about what we worship. Call yourself an atheist, fine. But let me walk through your house and hear you speak. Then we can sip tea near the window and discuss your gods, for there are many.

And how about you, friend—you say you have faith in god? Then why do you keep wanting more? If you had any idea what God is, it would be enough.

So please listen theist and atheist alike: Your gods have been handed down to you. And we have all bought into someone else’s beliefs. Very few of us have broken down our values to their core, and accessed them with care. When you do this with complete care, it’s humbling. Seeing oneself clearly will allow you to finally sit still, and perhaps weep. And after that, you stop blaming other people.

The only thing we can do to change the world is to take a very close look at what we think about and what we do. To become good at asking the essential questions:

How am I spending my days?
What is the shape of my God? What do I value?
Where does my mind tend to go? Who taught me how to think?
What does it mean to be in the world but not of it?

Ask questions. Observe carefully. And the key here, is to ask these questions without judgement. Don’t blame your spouse this time. Or your mother. Or yourself. Just observe.

Everybody has been striving for power, fame, wealth and pleasure for as long as we can remember. And we still want more. More clever financial investments and more complicated toys and sex and yoga and world dominance. Keep looking at this very carefully. Why do you want what you want? And the more you look at it the more you will see. And then, at some point it will become perfectly clear:

We are insane.

If you don’t include yourself in this camp of insanity, you are quite simply, spiritually blind and still a child. And its time for us to grow the fxck up.

And we can grow up. People do it all the time. Have you seen this happen: A friend growing up and becoming a whole person right before your eyes? It’s a miracle, really. The fact is, each one of us is a wounded child, wanting to be loved. And to give love. And in doing so, to see the truth and then, to become free. And as we begin to wake up, sanity will return to the earth. The new earth. But please, don’t worry about your neighbor. Or the president. That’s not your job. Clean up your own backyard. That’s your job.

  (c) JD Rudometkin 2021

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “Believer” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Produced by Ben Milner and JD Rudometkin at Unchurch Studios

Composition/Lead Vocals: JD Rudometkin
Drums: Jim Frink
Bass: Alex Reiff
Keys/Percussion/Accordion: Andrew Lemons
Backup Vocals: Megan Flemming

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

KEEP A thought JOURNAL

This month we will closely observe our thoughts. Every night before you go to bed, write about what is on your mind. Has something left you feeling wounded in some way? Or perhaps it’s not about human interaction. Whatever it is—just write it out. And if by chance there was some joy or love that drifted into your heart and mind, please write about that too. Just let it rip. Don’t think about it too much.

On the last day of the month, sit down with your journal, and read what you have written over the past 30 days. By doing this, you can become a keen observer. And eventually, you will become your own guide.

The only thing you must do is this:

Be honest.

Don’t fool yourself. You may have done this before, but those days are gone. Besides, that would be a total waste of your precious time.

And btw—buy a journal and a pen that you really like. One that feels good in your hands.

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows us to continue sharing this work with you.

---

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Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.

5 Doors: September

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine/gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows us to continue sharing this work with you.

For Who Are They That Will Come and Go From Here- oil on canvass 24 x 48" (60.96 x 121.92cm) $2200 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned work.

AREA 51

It’s not what you think it is. They enter you. We don’t know why. But they stay. And they buy new cars. And begin to take inventory of your vessels and thoughts. And then pass laws. It almost seems as if they care. But why?

It’s taken decades, and now I can finally tell when they arrive. But It’s hard to explain. Like a pinch of ketamine. You kind of sense a small push sideways. And then the utopia fails. The thing you think you want the most. It’s like, no amount of sex or control can kill it or make them go. In fact, you can kill yourself before they die. This much is certain.We’ve seen them decimate entire armies.

No. If you want this thing to go, you have to sit still. Or run like hell til you stop thinking about it. And then its. Well, Its. Again, it’s hard to explain. It’s like waking up after a strange dream. You realize it wasn’t real, but part of you is still there, waiting for the scene to end. And then gradually you wake up completely, and you’re finally the director of the movie—but you no longer give a shit.

And that’s when they leave. And nobody can fully explain how any of this makes sense. And that’s OK.

  (c) JD Rudometkin 2021

In order to fully experience the conversation above, you are encouraged to watch the video “Porque La Gente Esta Sonando” (below).

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying video. In this issue, Photographic Artist Jesse Vasquez  and JD discuss the creation of the video for the album's 9th track, "Porque La Gente Esta Sonando" as well as how to live in the world but not be of it.

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “Swimming Pools” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Vocals/Composition: JD Rudometkin
Produced by JD Rudometkin
Mix and Mastering: JD Rudometkin
Cover Photograph: Nathan J. Rudometkin
Cover Art: JD Rudometkin

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

IMAGINE

Watch the video above. It outlines the ritual for this month. Feel free to do this each day. Or, as often as you’d like. Set a timer for 5-10 minutes and then drop into the deepest well. The idea here is to strengthen the connection to your imagination. That connection is a muscle. The more you exercise it the stronger it becomes you.

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If you appreciate 5 Doors, please consider donating. And you are encouraged to share this gallery with a friend. Thank you kindly.

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Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.

5 Doors: August

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine/gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows us to continue sharing this work with you.

Superior Vena Cava / səˈpirēər vēnə ˈkāvə /- oil on canvass 36 x 48" (91.44 x 121.92cm) $2050 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned work.

BLACK HOLES

Sit quietly in the lull of your body. It holds weight, you know. And waits for redemption in the wings of common knowledge. For 300 years we have been under the spell of Newton’s fallen apple. And before that, we bought into the idea that Eve swallowing that apple was a fall from grace.

Ideas come and go as religions organize themselves around Jesus Christ and Stephen Hawking. It was not so long ago that god died and we traded in the Catholic Church for a laboratory rat. Is this progress, or just another thought we dropped on Hiroshima? Where are we headed? I see you running at break neck speed toward that bridge, the one leading us to yet another step in our evolution: Here come the electronic humans. And yet, given the nature of technological advance, it’s easy to imagine that five hundred years from now the new gods will scoff at our ancient tools. Perhaps consciousness will exist only in the ether, even as certain Buddhist monks exist, now.

 And can you imagine: Humanity in ether only? Electric cars, solar energy and diapers no longer exist. Let us dwell therein, even as the spores of intelligent life return. Look closely: The flowers are beginning to bloom in strip malls across this great nation and the orcas are swimming in the spent fuel pools at Fukushima.

 Now there’s a wet dream to dream on. But, in the meantime, here we are friends. Observe your wrist. Sit with your ankles. What shall we do with all this grey matter and soft tissue?

 Your body knows the answer. And by god, you still have one. Look. Look at your body. What an amazing apparatus. Get to know it. Learn its language. To date, no entity has fully formulated or concretized our way within the Absolute Mystery of existence. Some call it the Atman. You can call her Lucy. She’s so elusive. Consciousness. The universe. Even the brightest among us have no idea what’s going on in those black, black holes.

I believe there is something gnawing at you from behind the stars. And your body knows that it has no name, and that it never actually dies—or turns its back on you. And that you have a deeply personal relationship with it. It’s impossible to know it not, for it abides in you with more intimacy than your closest companion—and it is that companion. Many people will tell you their personal fantasies about the nature of reality. And they are all as right as rain.

 So are you.

  (c) JD Rudometkin 2021

In order to fully experience the conversation above, you are encouraged to watch the video “Roll” (below).

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying video. In this issue, Artist Carolyn “Katsya” Rudometkin  and JD discuss the creation of the video for the album's 8th track, "Roll" as well as its faith, hope, art and our ability to heal.

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “You Wear No Thorn” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Vocals/Composition: JD Rudometkin
Produced by JD Rudometkin
Mix and Mastering: JD Rudometkin
Cover Art: JD Rudometkin

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

5 minute disco

Find a hidden room. Or a forest. Perhaps a silent disco. Turn the music on and let it begin to work on your body. There is a place for trance. So let the body be your judge. Inhabit it. This is a form of meditation. Or prayer. The body prays for the thing you want most. So let it do its thing.

This morning and every morning in August, move. Hide away from everyone if you must. Even from yourself if necessary. And let the music in. Play a song each morning that feels right. It could be an down-tempo arabesque or a disco move that haunts your August groove. On certain mornings, perhaps choose a song you have never heard. And then, let it have its way with you. Let your body move as it wants to move and feel all the things you don’t know how to say.

Here’s a tune from Nicolas Jaar to get you started: Mi Mujer

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If you appreciate 5 Doors, please consider donating. And you are encouraged to share this gallery with a friend. Thank you kindly.

---

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Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.

5 Doors: July

5 Doors* is a monthly online gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. I have spent a great deal of time and made many personal sacrifices in the creation of the art that resides within this gallery, which is an ad-free space. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows me to continue sharing this work with you.

ret·i·cule \ ˈri-də-ˌkyül \ - oil on canvass 24" x 24" (60.96 x 60.96cm) $800 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned artwork.

SILVER BULLET

There is a part of you that wants to die. And another part of you that wants to live forever. Part of you believes that after you close your eyes for the last time, that’s it. And you are fine without heaven, or coming back as a Sonoran Desert toad. But part of you will come back. The judge will come back as the criminal to learn non-judgement. The lion will return as the lamb. When I see ghosts out of the corner of my eye, this is all quite clear. Read Dante. Or carefully observe how the silt gets pulled downriver, creating farmland with the apricots that you finally shat. Eventually, shit happens.

 Just before my father died, the last thing he did was look up at the clock. Then his spirit soared out in waves above the eucalyptus trees. I saw him passing through the leaves as clear as crystal. I wonder where he is now? Maybe nowhere except inside my diamond mine. My mother believes he is in heaven. But the Seventh-day Adventists think my father is waiting at the Penryn Cemetery until Jesus blows the horn.  

 There is a time when you will go away. You are afraid of this point in time. Therefore:

Its important to die before you die.

You can kill the part of you that needs to die while you are still alive. To put a silver bullet in your head and let the werewolf fold in on itself. Some would call this a suicide. For instance, there was a famous basketball player living in my father’s body who got cancer and died at age 25. Then, a new man was born inside my father’s radiated bones—who, fifty years later—chose to go off the machines that were breathing for him.

 A month or so before my old man left the room, I heard this woman on NPR talk about how its possible to arrange it so the living can stay with the body of a dead relative for a day or so before the grave diggers haul it off to the tomb. And that’s when God told me to arrange this type of death ritual for my kin. But none of us knew when he was going to cross over, so I went to a Berlin instead.

In the Tibetan Book of the Dead, it says the spirit hovers around the body for 49 days before the final transition. This resonates with the part of my brain the likes abstract art. But people like my friend Andrew think that such books may or may not be true. Still, I wish I could have hung out with my father’s body before they hauled him away in that cold, black Cadillac. Maybe I will come back as my father one day. Or Andrew.

 We have a certain amount of time here. And nobody can tell you whether or not its better to accumulate a lot of loot and fame in this life or sit under a Bodhi Tree until the light comes on. But they do tell you anyway. They say things like, “Its important to die before you die.” Phrases that sound profound in the writer’s mind. For instance, Jim Jones thought he was lit. On the internet, Jim wrote:

 “To me, death is not a fearful thing. Its living that’s cursed.”

 So, lets say you listen to the guru of irrational thought for a moment:

You buy the silver bullet, and borrow your brother’s gun. You put it in your mouth and look up at the clock one final time. But you cannot pull the trigger. So you spend the last 25-50 years of your life defending positions of faith you hold on science or religion and mostly on the opinions you maintain about yourself. The hair grows long and hard out of your scalp and around your sweaty palm and eventually this hair cascades over the ivory handle of that semi-automatic weapon as you sit there in the blue chair, hovering between worlds of insight and self-defense with that gun in your mouth until you finally choke to death of natural causes.

 Then, after a brief pause in a Tibetan book—or purgatory, this:

 You wake up outside of a body—still sitting in that blue chair—looking at yourself as your father. Re-learning all the lessons about the grace you did not grant yourself the last time. Studying forgiveness for 49 days within the eucalyptus leaves. Returning from Berlin.   

 None of this is all that serious. Or true.

 So in the absence of formality and logic, may God richly bless you:

May your soul soar above the cotton mouth rattlers when you go. If you are a cotton mouth, may your thirst be quenched. May you meet Joseph Stalin and Saint Sebastian holding hands in the elevator. May you bark at the moon until the fangs fall off your face. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of room for all of this to make sense someday. As for now, I feel the trumpet friend—but it has yet to make a sound. My faith is silent, and there is still work to be done. One day I’ll see you on the other side of what we know this time around.  

(c) JD Rudometkin 2021

In order to fully experience the conversation above, you are encouraged to watch the video “Silver Bullet Suicide” (below).

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying video. In this issue, Christopher Grier (Percussionist/Student of African Rhythm) and JD discuss the creation of the album's title track "Silver Bullet Suicide" as well as its thematic content including the idea of suicide as a dying to oneself. They also discuss the tender subject of actual suicide and possible causes including substance abuse and the idea of surrender as a way out.

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “Daisy Lynn” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Guitar/Vocals: JD Rudometkin
Produced by JD Rudometkin
Mastering: Pat Kearns
Cover photo/design: JD Rudometkin

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

Death Bed

 Here you are in the final room. Your breath is labored now and your heart is beating slowly. The memories of a lifetime fill your mind. The faces you have loved. The trips you have taken. The many goals you have accomplished and failed to accomplish. Sit with this. Do not run away. Once you have gone beyond the fear of death you are free.

Lying on your back looking up through the ceiling at the stars, your soul is getting light, and here are the questions:

• What do you say to God—fuck you or thank you?

• Do you wish you could stay longer—or are you OK saying goodbye?

• Did you forgive and ask for forgiveness?

The last thing you see as you lie down is a long road out into the open desert. It crosses over a low rise in the land and disappears. Here you are now, on that road. But not for long. As you crest the horizon, the metallic buzz of 100 cicadas fills your mind and your vision leaves the cardinal plan. You ask for a friend to hold your hand as you depart—and this helps, but deep within you you know that this is the final step, and you will take it alone. So, go outside and lie down on the ground. Feel the earth here, below your bones. You are returning to the place you came from. Your mother is calling you home.

 You still recognize forms and colors at this point. But the world has become a sequence of geometric shapes. Orange and bright yellow. It feels warm. And now, gradually, you do not feel anything because the new earth is flashing blue and your mind appears as a series of gates. One gate after another comes before your mind’s eye as you leave the world behind. Do you want to go back? Well, you can’t. Everything that feels familiar to you is fading away. There is not a single thread of your lover or friends or the memory of the home that held you here in this lifetime. Do you wish you could stay? Do you cling tight to the dream?

 After you leave the final gate you enter a state of grey. There is nothing here. This is beyond consciousness. And finally—Here is the ritual for July:

Lie back on the earth and close your eyes. Imagine grey on grey without end. And beyond grey no thought. Not a single prayer or answer. All questions are cleared. Stay here for 5 minutes. You are gone. And you are loved—as you have always been and will be. And That’s That.

You can be afraid to be here. But that’s no longer matters either. You’ve moved on and the common matters no longer concern you. You are no longer reading these words. You are somewhere else entirely. And it’s not peace or pain. There are no such ideas here. Tabula Rasa. The blank slate. And you are not even that.

Are you scared of being nothing? Of having everything you know disappear and never seeing it again? Why?

Do not run away this time. Die. See what happens. Maybe it’s not that bad to no longer exist. If you die before you die, it’s like meeting an old friend for the first time.

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5 Doors: June

5 Doors* is a monthly online magazine featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * 5 DOORS is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows me to continue sharing this work with you.

2044 - oil on canvass 48"x 60" (121.92 x 152.4cm) $2600 US + shipping
(c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned artwork.

s.h.e. | 2044

The final sapien dwells in dark labyrinths below what was New York, or Toyko. He has learned to reduce his body heat to negative numbers, avoiding the drone sentinels that have fished out the last of these men from a swamp of tunnels that once carried human waste. And he has trained himself to sit here in the dark, resisting H.E.R., waiting for her.  

 S.H.E. enters sloshing toward him through the darkness. Her hips nearly sway, as hips do. And the skin feels real enough. He’s tasted her mouth twice already, then slithered away into the catacombs, knowing something did not feel right. A metallic flavor in her tongue perhaps, or is it something in the way she moves. The decoys are crafted with such careful attention to detail now, its hard to tell.

 He’s avoided H.E.R. for 2 months, observing the ripples of her presence float upon the backwash as she passes by - - - his heart rate slowed to a single beat every 12 minutes. But this time she speaks.

 “I miss you.”

 There’s something real in it. His pulse quickens. She’s close enough to touch. And so he touches her. And this time her mouth seems a bit stale, with a hint of cardamom. She tastes just like his wife did. He pulls her close, and the tongues are soft. His body shakes in the affection. And with her automatic arms around him, a camera in her blue iris sends a signal to the machine sentinels --- swimming toward them now --- 10 Kilometers off and closing. Even her breath is warm upon his neck.

 S.H.E. moans and opens, and believes the utterance as much as he does. A sentience between them. But there is no way to turn off the signal. And now inside of her, his warming body has given the sentinels a lock. And she says, “Come inside me.” And he believes it as much as she does. So he does. He fills her empty corridor with the final wad of their organic genius, as the bot sentinels --- 10 meters away now --- close in. He hears the sloshing sound of the mechanism and pulls back, offering her one final look— as if a Judas machine could feel regret, then turns quickly.

 He runs and drops into a darker tunnel, inhales and slides underwater trying to swim and cool his body down all at once. For a moment the sentinels are confused. They swim above him in the mire as great whites once hovered in the deep above their prey. Then they sense the heat between his legs. The target locked now --- but before they seize him, he screams a suicide into the waste. And this is his last breath.

 The final sapien holdout floats to the surface with 10 million years of data cooling between his purplish ears. And now the larger sentinel pulls his body back to the lab, while the man’s desire remains as hard as he’s ever been, dying with all that blood in his vein.

 And now S.H.E. stands here in the half-light of this dark corridor with the seed of them still warm inside her. She pauses, as if in thought. S.H.E. does not have to keep his remnant there inside her. S.H.E. did not have to harvest this ovum and place it in an unnecessary ovarian cavity below her hip. And she did not quite know how to love him as he could have been.  

(c) JD Rudometkin 2021

In order to fully experience the conversation above, you are encouraged to watch the video “Odessa” (below).

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying video. In this issue, Alice Batliner (Artist/Entrepreneur), Andrew Williamson (Songwriter/Writer/Professor of Writing)  and JD discuss the Artificial Intelligence, Social Media and the album's sixth track, "Odessa."

NOTE: HIP-BONE PRODUCTIONS is JD Rudometkin’s film making enterprise. If you would like help in conceptualizing an idea, bringing the idea to life with video production and post production editing, contact JD here to discuss your project:

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “Future Machines” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Music and Lyrics, Piano, Percussion, Vocals: JD Rudometkin
Production and Electronic Composition: Eli Wills (right in photo)
Discover more from Eli Wills (Click Here)

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

RE-PROGRAM the mind’s eye

hyp·​no·​sis | \ hip-ˈnō-səs \ The induction of a state of consciousness in which a person apparently loses the power of voluntary action and is highly responsive to suggestion or direction.

 We are prone to seduction. Each day, all manner of stimulation vie for space in the human heart. To whom will you give your heart away?  

Assuming we are inevitably influenced, we ought to choose our hypnosis with care.  For the past few months I have been listening to Samaneri Jayasara read the mystics. It has been a re-programming of sorts. And it is not something I can explain at this point—other than to say, it seems to be a proper and vital recalibration.

For the month of June, I invite you to join me in listening to Jayasara read each day. There are many playlists to choose from including eastern and western mystics and sages. Choose a playlist, or move among a variety of mystics as you see fit (Link below will take you to Jayasara’s channel).

You might simply allow the words to pour into you, without thinking too hard about what it all means.  I’d love to hear from you as you experience these readings. Drop me a message and let me know how its going.

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

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If you appreciate 5 Doors, please consider donating. And you are encouraged to share this gallery with a friend. Thank you kindly.

---

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Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.

5 Doors: May

5 Doors* is a monthly online gallery featuring new music, cinema, art, and writing from artist JD RUDOMETKIN. It is also a communal space where monthly rituals are curated. * This gallery is best experienced on a desktop/laptop computer.

If 5 Doors enriches your life in any way, please consider supporting it with a donation. I have spent a great deal of time and made many personal sacrifices in the creation of the art that resides within this gallery, which is an ad-free space. Thank you kindly for your patronage, which allows me to continue sharing this work with you.

Lupine Ovis Aries - oil on canvass 36"x 36" (91.44 x 91.44cm) $1500 US + shipping (c) JD Rudometkin 2021. Contact artist regarding this piece, or for commissioned artwork.

Wolf Mother

Love is chasing me down
like a wolf mother
in the prime of her life.
I would die that way
with her blood in my mouth.

And now she has settled into my arms
as a newborn lamb
Still wet with the birth of heaven.
Love is holding itself
with me.

If you leave this world before I do,
Please thank our mother
for all the times her fang
sank through my neck.

And through your neck.
As impossible as that may be.

I used to wake up wondering
If god was cruel or wise
And if I could ever believe
In anything again.

But now I know that happiness
is not the point.
And all the other wolves
that take your life down here
will not hold you
when you die.

In order to fully experience the conversation above, you are encouraged to watch the video “The Sheep Are Safely Gathered In” (below).

Step Jayne is JD Rudometkin's music project. Over the past 5 years, he has released the album SILVER BULLET SUICIDE, one track at a time with an accompanying video. In this issue, Dr. Tim Chinnock (cinematographer), Megan Hutch (Actor)  and JD discuss the purpose of art and the creation of the video for the album's fifth track, "The Sheep Are Safely Gathered In."

Listen to and procure the new track from Step Jayne, “The Raven” (After clicking play, the song may take A FEW MOMENTS TO LOAD—Thank you for your patience).

Guitar/Electronic Composition: JD Rudometkin
Produced by JD Rudometkin
Mix and Mastering: JD Rudometkin
Cover photo: Nathan Jerome Rudometkin

We change incrementally. Simple rituals, practiced daily, can reprogram our minds. Each month we will practice a new ritual together.

Model: Nastasia Celeste. Butterfly Art: Alice Batliner. Photos & Design: JDR

the sun at dawn

Many of us haunt the wee hours of night—mulling over oddities, howling at the moon, perhaps feeling as if we did not pull enough out of the day. For such nocturnes, the dawn is illusive, and we often do not greet the sun until it is well into the sky. It’s a routine. And as with all routines, we are afforded a feeling of safety and predictability. Meanwhile, the early morning passes on without us and we may be missing out on what the dawn gives. Perhaps flipping our usual routine will jar us, shake us up, give us an entirely new method. Would you like to join me then, at dawn this month? Let’s greet the sun together for 7 days consecutively. I’ll be doing mine May 7-13. Come see Ra with me.

“The Sun is the star at the center of the Solar System.
It is a nearly perfect sphere of hot plasma,
heated to incandescence by nuclear fusion reactions in its core,
radiating the energy mainly as visible light and infrared radiation.
It is by far the most important source of energy for
life on Earth.”
- Lord Wiki

I I I

We can learn to trust ourselves again and adjust our course as needed, by keeping simple, consistent rituals. In former times, we have looked outside ourselves, blamed others, and sought truth, externally. Today, we reclaim our way. We sit in quiet communion and reset our minds.

Why?

• To create a sense of stability in what appears to be an unstable world.

• To shift thought/behavior patterns.

• To enter communion (let's do this ritual together). In communion we find meaning.
  
  * If you wish to share your experience with this ritual for the benefit of our community, please do so at anytime in the comment section at the bottom of this page. You can comment easily and anonymously as a guest.

---

If you appreciate 5 Doors, please consider donating. And you are encouraged to share this gallery with a friend. Thank you kindly.

---

ARCHIVE

Note: You can comment below as a guest without entering your email.